It Ends Here.
This is where it all comes down to; everything that is, will be, or has been. I stop here. It all stops here. I'm 19. I'm a female. I go to college. I'm not sure about much of anything. And that's okay with me.
I am having a really tough time holding it together.
One step at a time.
This will pass.
All of these rushing emotions
Will pass.
Think -
Don’t feel.
Too many feelings.
One day I am afraid I will act on these feelings,
Rather than my thinking,
And not be able to undo what I did.
What is more
Terrifying?
I
Am
Not
Sure
That
Is
A
Bad
Thing.
I wish I didn’t second guess posting personal things here…things about my day, things that made me angry/sad, etc.
I want to be completely open with you guys…and let you explore my mind and k n o w me. But I am hesitant.
What do you think?
So hooray it’s the Fourth of July, I got out of work early and went to hang with the family. My sister gets rushes me so we can get a spot to see the fireworks, and A good thing we rushed, too! There was traffic for an hour plus 30 min to find parking. Anywho, it’s the Fourth of July, and we’re at the pier looking at the skyline of NYC. I’m with my cousins. Huge crowds.
So I’m with my cousin and my step-brother…they are your typical semi-urban males.
NOW FOR MY RANT:
THEY WOULD NOT LET ANYONE PASS BY WITHOUT MAKING A COMMENT ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE. Holy fucking shit. And it wasn’t like “Oh look at her hair it’s a mess” it was more like “Why doesn’t she just die because if were her man I would rather kill her than be with her with her hair that ugly.” I know they weren’t serious about most of what they say but you know….it’s still fucking wrong.
I thought they were playing, until my cousin says something along the lines of this: “I will never ever marry anyone who isn’t thin. As soon as I find out she doesn’t eat right and work out, I’ll show her the door. And if this happens after we’ve been together for a while, I’ll still dump her. My woman can’t let herself go.”
I CANNOT EVEN PUT INTO WORDS EVERYTHING I WAS FEELING AT THAT MOMENT. But fuck it, I’ll try.
So disappointed. I didn’t think he was that shallow. It’s okay that he wants his significant other to look good….but he mentioned something like “if she doesn’t go to the gym at least twice a week, she ain’t for me.” I can’t. I CAN?T COMPREHEND. I also understand wanting her not let herself go. Because I just understand, and I’m not going to like a whole fucking paragraph about how i fucking understand, but I do. But he gave his “dream girl” a 5 lbs - MAYBE 10 lbs, depending on how thin she is - wiggle room. After that, it’s over. AND MY YOUNGER COUSIN AGREED. SHE FUCKING AGREED. AS DID MY STEP BROTHER.
He’s just a bully.
And I don’t like bullies.
It’s not just today, either. I’m going into a deeper, more personal rant here, so I’ll put one of those…
[edit: there is so much profanity in this “read more” rant. I didn’t even notice, that’s how rant-y and angry I was]
