Occasionally, if you catch me off guard or in a rush, I’ll be somewhat “graceful” (I use that term SOOOOOOOOOO loosely in this situation) in my acceptance of the little demon. But most of the time…I’m fucking awkward. I just don’t know what to do afterward. I mean seriously, where does the conversation go from there? What if we were having a conversation about the seriousness of subliminal messages everywhere, and you haphazardly mention that you like my hair or something. WHERE DOES IT GO FROM THERE? Do I just say “thanks” and continue on with conversation? But isn’t that rude? Or am I supposed to talk about my hair-care routine so you know how I got it that way? Or should I turn into “that girl” and complain about how absolutely horrible it is and how your eyesight must be deplorable because no one on this earth could look at my mop of a head and call it “nice”? Or do I compliment you back? But then won’t you jut compliment ME back? Then we’d be stuck in a never-ending compliment cycle! And I’m sorry - I can’t think of lots of things I like about people. They run out pretty quickly….mostly because I don’t say specifics and just use the broad terms, but that’s besides the point.
I just don’t like compliments. Most of them are bullshit anyway! Maybe I’m just a bumbling fool shouldn’t ever be complimented. Now I’m just being angsty. I’m going to stop before I start ranting.
I’m really terrified of thunder, and as a way to try and get rid of this stupid but really genuine fear (and because the rain looked wonderful), I decided to go prance around in it on my rooftop. I’ve done this before, and I absolutely loved it, so I thought the enjoyment of rain would help me ignore the thunder. So I grab my rain-dancein’ shirt (yes, I have a special shirt to dance in the rain) and commence my frolic on my rooftop.
This time something was different.
I don’t know why, but about a minute and a half into my complete and utter joy from the rain being so cold, and the air not being so cold, it felt wrong. I just felt so…alone. The cars were passing in front of my house, and people were passing on the sidewalk, so it wasn’t because there weren’t people around. I don’t know why I felt it. Regardless, the fact is still there.
I have never felt more alone.
But the rain usually makes me feel the complete opposite, that the world is alive and awake and thriving and pulsating and feeling! I rushed back into my room and grabbed a towel, and since then, I have been sitting on my floor, trying to figure out why I’m feeling this way. And I haven’t come up with a damn thing.
I just wish I had a friend to dance in the rain with me. I wish a complete stranger would come and dance with me. I just don’t want to be alone tonight. All well. My teddy bear will just have to do.
Normally, I HATE posting things on the spur of the moment. I usually write out huge paragraphs about what I feel, let it sit there for an hour, come back to it after my head has cleared and delete it. I don’t know why I do that. I guess I’m just not used to expressing myself. Whatever, this isn’t about that.
I am angry.
That’s what this is about. I am livid. But what am I doing? - I’m sitting on my mother’s bed typing this out on my phone just so I can let this go and let it away from me. I’m scared. That came out of nowhere. But yeah. That’s true, too.
I’m even angrier NOW, because I can’t even give specifics. I don’t like it when people I know follow me on tumblr. Me on tumblr and me out here are different. Tumblr is where I explore. Explore other’s people’s minds, and while I do that, I’m exploring my own. But here…I don’t have time to sit and explore everything about these people or myself and our reactions, I just do things out of habit. I act certain ways, simply because that’s how I’ve been accustomed to do so. And now I can’t even be angry here. The one truly raw emotion I had. It just rips me up inside, pounding waves to my temples, the only emotion that takes real effort for me to control. That was going to be my starting point. But it can’t.
It’s not that I’m afraid of what people will say about me, they can go fuck themselves, but it’s more of how they’ll act. And yeah, I do want to rant about people. A LOT. Getting confronted and lectured about how I should be grateful for things when the onset of that confrontation was something I posted on TUMBLR? Yeah, no. That’s just ridiculous. I guess I’m too accustomed to controlling my emotions that I’m afraid of a HUGE blow-out that’ll happen if anyone ever actually DID do that.
I’m even a bit miffed when people even refer to things they found on tumblr in their daily lives. It’s like…this is one part of my life, the outside world is another. They shouldn’t overlap.
I am still angry.
I’m just even more angry that I can’t explain WHY I’m angry.
Liaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you are wonderful :)
Kennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, stop being so dang sweet. :P LOL. If I’m wonderful, you have to be a word that means wonderful times 4. (:
I’m sick of this school. I’m sick of everyone in it. I don’t want to “remember the good times.” I’m most likely NEVER going to see these people again in my life. And if I did want to reminisce, I don’t want to remember most of the girls in my class with their dresses hiked up, grinding on some guy whose name they don’t even know; or remember the guys with their “happy faces” on as their penises get smothered by a strange girl’s ass.
I’d much rather stay home, thank you very much.
But my cousins are going. I’m pretty sure they’re going to make me go. If I do go, I don’t want to dance, or even have a good time. I want to sit there, maybe take a couple of pictures, wait until it’s over, and leave. Just go home. I don’t want to go out at all.
I dont care for more than half of the people I talk to. Why would I want to be surrounded by them in a large group, and everyone dressed up in ways that seems unnatural for them? I just don’t give two craps about people anymore.
Most of the people I started to hang out with in High School, are just fillers - people I talk to just to fill up my day. Yeah sure, it’s alright for a while, but you don’t really care what happens to them afterward. Don’t get me wrong, their a few people I’ll try to keep in touch with, and maybe even a few people I’ll actually miss, but most of them I could live without.
I just don’t like my school anymore. I’d even rather be home….with my over-protective, crazy, beast of a woman mother than be in school anymore.